


Spoiling a perfectly good kidnapping

by Fishykarp



Category: Batgirl (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Attempted Kidnapping, Humor, Kidnapping, Riddler thinks he's a very threatening villain, Secret Identity, Steph doesn't, i found two typos as soon as i posted this maybe i shoulda edited it, no editing we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 19:16:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21184598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fishykarp/pseuds/Fishykarp
Summary: The Riddler discovers that Stephanie Brown is The Spoiler. He kidnaps her in an attempt to figure out the other Bats' identities, and instead spends an afternoon getting called stupid for 1500-odd words





	Spoiling a perfectly good kidnapping

When it came to megalomaniac villains, the citizens of Gotham never really took the Riddler all too seriously. While certainly evil and absolutely capable of doing real damage, he wasn’t known for the same depraved acts as someone like, say, Joker or Scarecrow. Even Batman and his allies, known for extensively planning for every contingency, fixed their attention on greater threats. Especially with Riddler no longer being as active as he was when both he and Batman were fresh on the scene.

Suffice to say, Stephanie Brown was more than a little surprised to find the villain waiting in an alley one rainy day on the way home from school. Riddler wore his usual green costume, and had his question-mark cane pointed right at her. He looked soaked to the bone, like he'd been standing in the rain for ages.

“Took you long enough!” Riddler said. “Riddle me this. Why even take time out of my busy day to kidnap someone? If I have to wait for a whole hour? IN THE RAIN?”

“Kidnap-” Steph began.

“That was rhetorical.” Riddler snapped. His gaze moved to something behind Steph. “Just, knock her out already.”

Before she had time to react, Steph felt a blow to the back of her head. As she felt her consciousness fading, she heard the Riddler complain a bit more.

“And I just got this suit cleaned too.”

Steph woke up some time later, tied to a chair with her hands behind her. She looked around, not at all shocked that she was in one of Gotham’s abundant abandoned warehouses (she’d found it strange when she began as Spoiler, but honestly? It made sense. What self-respecting warehouse owner would actually bother with the constant robberies and destruction from battles? It was more surprising that Gotham’s entire population hadn’t abandoned the city at this point). Riddler sat on a chair opposite her, reading a book.

“So, have you just been sitting here waiting for me to wake up?” She asked. “In your soaking wet costume?”

Riddler looked up, noticing that his prisoner had woken up.

“Well I couldn’t just go home and change- you could’ve woken- I didn’t-.” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then opened them again. “So you’re Cluemaster’s brat.”

Steph rose an eyebrow. “If you’re looking to get to dad by hurting me, I can promise that he absolutely does not care.”

Riddler laughed. “I didn’t bring you here to threaten that third-rate copycat.” He said. “I’m more thinking of your other father figure. The father of your little Bat-Family.”

Steph scoffed. “Are you implying that I consider my dad a father figu-“

Wait, _Bat Family?_

  
“Wait, what?” she asked, hoping that she’d misheard him.

“Oh, you know what I’m talking about.” Riddler said, smiling as if he was needlessly proud of himself. “Spoiler.”

“And I thought the Joker was meant to be the crazy one.” Steph laughed nervously. “Me? Spoiler?”

“You can’t fool me, it was an obvious deduction.” Riddler replied. “I’m the greatest mind in Gotham, there is no mystery that I can’t unravel.”

“Sure.” Steph said. “That’s why you waited out in the rain for an hour even though if you know my route home you probably also know when school ends for me.”

Riddler didn’t like that.

“It’s called planning ahead!” Riddler’s voice suddenly rose into a shout. “Making absolutely certain that I wouldn’t somehow miss you! It’s why I watched you on the way to school! To make sure that you’d be there today!”

Steph blinked. “So, why didn’t you kidnap me on the way to school?”

This seemed to slow Riddler down. “I- It was cold outside the car. The weather forcast said it’d be warmer in the afternoon.”

“And then it rained on you.”

“And then it rained on me.”

“No matter!” Riddler said. “I still have you here! And you’re going to tell me the identity of the Batman!”

“That’s what this is about? Batman’s identity?”

“It has eluded me for far too long! Tonight, I WILL discover the truth!”

“What happened to there not being any mystery that you couldn’t unravel?”

Riddler glared at her. “I’m not going to spend my precious mental energies on formulating a response to that.”

“Ok? Well, then what are you going to do with Batman’s identity? And mine, I guess. Post it in the C-List Supervillain Facebook group?”

“First of all. I am not a C-List Supervillain, I’m one of Batman’s mortal enemies and absolutely an A-List Supervillain!” Riddler said, then he continued, speaking just a slight bit quieter. “Even if Condiment King won’t let me join the A-List Supervillain Facebook group.”

There was a lot to unpack in that statement, mainly that there were really Supervillain Facebook groups, and that Condiment King was not only considered an A-List Supervillain, but ran the Facebook group.

“Second of all, of course not! A riddle isn’t good once everyone knows the answer to it! I’m the genius who’s going to figure it out, so I’m the only one who gets to know.”  
“Yes.” Steph replied sarcastically. “The genius who’s going to figure it out by forcing someone else to tell him.”

Riddler took another deep breath. “I will not allow myself to be aggravated by a child who dresses like a bat.”

“I don’t actually dress like a bat-“

“Listen, you’re going to tell me who Batman is. Now that I know who you are, even if you escape, I can make your life a living hell!”

“Do you think the Spoiler costume looks like a bat?”

“You will rue the day you ever decided to insult the Riddler! I am one of the smartest people in the world, I can think of a hundred thousand ways to hurt you!”

“I specifically made the costume without the stupid ears that he has.”

“Once Batman is out of the way, nothing is going to stop me from ruling Gotham! You don’t want to insult the man who will soon find himself with nothing to do except hunt down and kill the remaining heroes.”

“It’s the cape, isn’t it? Because aside from the ears, the cape is the only thing that makes Batman look kinda like a bat.”

“You aren’t even listening to me, are you?”

“Yeah, not really.”

Ridder sighed. “Fine, just tell me what I want to know before I change my mind and decide to stop Joker from being the only one who beat one of Batman’s sidekicks to death in a warehouse. It still counts even if you aren’t Robin, probably.”

“Actually, I was Robin for a little bit.”

“You… were?”

“You didn’t know that the blonde vigilante who made stupid jokes and had no idea what she was doing was the same person as the blonde Robin who made stupid jokes and had no idea what she was doing?”

“I- uh- I do now.“

“Wow, have you figured anything on your own?

“Yes!” Riddler said. “The Court of the Owls remnants meet with their leaders every other Thursday in Lincoln March’s former campaign office by the docks. Scarecrow is creating a new Fear Toxin from the basement of the building next to Batburger and he’s going to use it on Batburger probably. The Red Hood owns a Superman body pillow.”

“Good to know…” that information about Jason could come in handy later. “That’s it?”

“That’s a lot, isn’t it?” The Riddler asked. “You can’t expect me to remember the hundreds of secrets I know. I can check the list I keep on my phone but-“

“Ok that’s all we needed to know, thanks.” Steph said. Then she looked up, and shouted. “Hey, you heard all that, right? Can I have some help now?”

At that moment, someone dropped from above, landing right in front Riddler. Before he even had time to get up, Batgirl punched him in the face and he fell to the ground, out like a light.

“Finally. Couldn’t you have come down earlier. Steph asked, as she slipped out of her poorly-tied bonds. “I have like, four tests tomorrow that I haven’t studied for.”

Cassandra Cain smiled. “Got a lot of information.”

Steph smiled back. “Yeah, you’re right. Thanks, by the way.”

“Came right when we got your distress signal.”

Steph smiled, producing the device that she’d been holding behind her back. “They never bother checking the pockets, do they?”

“An oversight.” Cass said.

Steph nodded. “So, what now?”

“I’ll clean up here.” Cass replied. “You’re still wet from the rain. It must be cold.”

“Yeah ok. You deal with Vizzini over here, and I’ll go home and get changed.”

“Vizzini?”

“The guy from The Princess Bride?”

“…?”

“The one who thought he was smart and then drank poisoned wine?”

“……?”

“Have you seen The Princess Bride?”

“………no?”

Steph’s eyes widened. “You haven’t seen The Princess Bride? But it’s so good!”

Cass shrugged.

“Ok, look.” Steph said. “Right after you’re done, meet me at my place. We’re gonna watch it whether you like it or not – and you will like it.”

“…you have four tests tomorrow.”

“Screw ‘em. I just got kidnapped by The Riddler, I think I get to take a day off.” Steph said. “Cmon, it’ll be fun.”

“Sure.”

Steph laughed, as she left the building. “Ok, I’ll see you then.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so this is a thing. One step closer to my AO3 account becoming a frankenstein of one-chapter fics of various fandoms because I can't commit to one fandom or even one longer fic. I've been reading a lot of Batman stuff lately and Stephanie Brown is probably one of my favourite characters so I decided to write this, I guess.


End file.
